The Situation

I have to sit here in the office for at least 8 hours a day, but I have no concrete work to do.  What do you suggest?  Materials at hand include:

1 5300c Macintosh PowerBook (non-flammable at last testing)
1 set Microsoft "manuals"
20 binders of obscure Decision Analysis materials
2 file drawers, mostly empty
Pendaflex folders
Paper clips
1 Officemate
1 Bookcase
12 textbooks, topics ranging from Medical Ethics to Reengineering
1 phone
1 stuffed lobster
1 pager, non-functional.

The most creative suggestion (that wouldn't get me fired) wins the grand prize.

The Battle Plan (Terry)

OK, here goes.

Clearly, the biggest threat is the officemate, so that will be your target.

So the first thing you need to do is establish a base and a defensive perimeter.  The bookcase will have to do for the base.  For the perimeter, normally, you'd only have things like concrete and barbed wire at your disposal, but in this case, you have the ultimate in impenetrable:  20 binders of obscure decision analysis materials and reeingineering texts.  I suggest that you use the binders for the outer perimeter, and then establish an inner perimeter with the textbooks. That way, you can establish a very effective kill zone between the decision analysis and medical ethics.  Immediately post the lobster on sentry duty.  Once the perimeter is secure, you can begin to work on building up your offensive capabilities.

The first thing you need for offense is a good armor column (you can't expect the lobster to do everything).  Use the two (mostly empty) file drawers as your tanks, since I assume that the drawers have wheels for the tracks.  First, armor the drawers with the densest stuff you have: Microsoft manuals.  You can attach the armor to the vehicles with the paperclips.  Next, you need a good weapon on one of the tanks.  For this purpose, you can use the metal hanger parts of the Pendaflex folders to build a catapult within the drawers.  Arm one of the catapults with the pager.

When the time is right for the offensive, have the lobster steer the drawers over to your officemate and launch the pager at the enemy's head.  At the moment that the pager is closest to the enemy's control center, use the PowerBook to start continually dialing the phone, causing the pager to go off, thereby transmitting deadly, brain cancer-causing death rays from the pager company right at his/her skill.  After only 100-120 years of continuous paging, the enemy should be completely neutralized, and the office will be yours!

Reports from the Line

Sir -

The following reports were received 011597, 2351Z to your attention.

011597, 1600Z
As per your instructions, offensive and defensive lines have been constructed and stand in readiness.  Attack starting momentarily.  Officemate appears oblivious,  surprise almost certain.

011597, 1613Z
Officemate pinned in back left corner of office.  File drawer catapults working nicely.  Due to lack of ammo, leftover Halloween candy (accidentally left off previous supply list) drafted for use.  Lobster on patrol at base.

011597, 1900Z
Officemate has been under fire for close to three hours.  Counterattack likely.  Offensive position weakening.  Half of ammo has been eaten.  PowerBook PCMCIA card has caused multiple system crashes, unable to send page over modem.  Pager batteries reaching critical for mission completion.  Offensive push must be now or position will be lost.

011597, 1921Z
Offensive strike preempted by counterattack. Windows 95-powered Hummvees, despite lack of forward gear and faulty Aim Manager, have rendered Microsoft manual defense useless.  Retreat to Whiteboard zone ordered.  One file drawer stayed behind to cover retreat, was captured by officemate.  Appears to be incorporated into desk-chair mounted staple launcher.  Defensive line holding.

011597, 2100Z
Defensive position weakening.  Lobster lost one claw in recon mission, source of Post-It Glue still unknown.  Reengineering section of binder wall proved dense, but structurally unsound.  (Please notify Corps of Engineers.)  Ammo entirely eaten.  Staple fire getting heavier, threatens inner textbook line.  Final strike commencing.  If unsuccessful, must surrender.

011597, 2113Z
Final strike underway.  Lobster, clawless due to thumbtack mines, inserted pager manually (crustaceanly?) behind enemy lines.  At preset time, PowerBook came up long enough to send page, then crashed irretreivably on start of Lotus Notes.  Pager did not function as planned - officemate appeared unaffected.  Humvees picked up signal, began destroying own offensive line.  Attempts by officemate to restart Hummvees led to self-destruct order.  Officemate surrendered, reprogramed phone to friendly voicemail account.

011597, 2130Z
New defensive line at office door.  Third row of defense added with addition of officemate MBA textbooks.  Lobster being treated in kitchen for partial shell removal during pager insertion.  (“I need a pot of boiling water, STAT!  And some nice cajun spices!”)  Attack successful.

011597, 2145Z
Position secure.  Recommend lobster for posthumous Medal of Honor.
 

End of transmission

A Diplomatic Solution? (the officemate responds)

Evil Aggressor -

 I may have surrendered but I have not yet signed the armistice agreement.  I refuse to release the remains of your MIA (i.e., lobster claws).  Also, I will not disclose the locations of all thumbtack mined areas unless... you pretend that an MBA actually gives me some credibility in the confines of the global (or at least the building) warfare structure.
 --  Prisoner 8412310