I have determined that vital business item that no office, however well-equiped, seems to have.  This one tool, properly applied, could save millions of man-hours in your office alone.  Judiciously outsourced, it could change the face of American business practice altogether.  And I have the secret.  I'll share it with you, free of charge, if you promise to implement it at your earliest convenience.  After all, it can only help us all.

Ready?

A ravenous idiot-eating leopard.

Yup, that's what every office needs.

Stuck in an interminable meeting with someone who insists on verbing every noun in sight?  Dinnerize him.
Annoying secretary who paints her nails and ignores the world even if people run by her actively burning and begging for her bottle of mineral water to quench the flames?  Show her what really impressive claws look like.
Boss making you work through lunch?  I think a meal is called for.
Given a tiny cubicle with a loud neighbor?  One pounce and slience is golden.

You can surely see the potential here.  I've done the math, and if every major office building had a single leopard, and if each leopard only ate 2 idiots a week, the business world's average IQ would jump 30 points in a year!  (Up to 60, which is almost out of grinning idiot range.)

I realize that some of you out there are protesting that this is cruel.  But I promise you, the leopards don't mind -- they seem to find little taste difference between idiots and intelligent people.  (Idiots are the Diet Dr. Pepper of the animal kingdom, apparently.)  They find it intriguing to stalk their prey in the cubicles of modern office life, and tell me that hanging from overhead flourescent lighting is almost as toasty warm and comfortable as the tree braches they are accustomed to.  I assure you, there is no cruelty involved.

Some of you are perhaps thinking that this is an extreme measure.  Again, I am forced to point out that it is no more extreme than other management fads of the past decade.  Total Quality Management?  ISO 9000?  A few man-eating leopards are nothing compared to the upheaval caused by Value-Focused Cross-Functional Empowerment in its first week alone!

So jump on the bandwagon and hire a few leopards.  A month's training in a specialized facility in Washington will give them the scent of nonproductive idiocy for life.  After the initial investment, the variable cost in quite low (bereavement card, small flower arrangement, carpet cleaning).  The system is self-maintaining and energy efficient.  It is environmentally pure and does not leech into groundwater.  It is an equal opportunity program, recognizing talent (or lack thereof) before any race, creed, color, or sexual orientation.  It does not cause cancer.

I'm sure you see the huge value creation potential in this program, and I rely on you to inform others of the urgent need for leopardization in your ...  <snarl! pounce rend munch slobber>